Springtime in my Trousers

(wriiten and published in ’98)

Springtime in my Trousers

I am sexless. I mean, I have a sex. I’m male. It’s just that I’m not having sex.

Normally I can handle the celibacy thing, but this springtime vibe is killing me. Its starting to get really distracting.

Its not my fault. Its Springtime. Its warm and there’s crazy pollen in the air. Birds and bees are spreading flower semen all over the place. There’s a whole lot of secreting going on.

The other day my Dad asked me to skim the pool of all the pollen, then added, “we wouldn’t have to clean it so often if we could keep the tree from jerking-off so much.”

Well I can sympathize with the poor tree. The springtime vibe has a death-grip on my loins, too.

I’m masturbating 2x a day. This is remarkable, as I haven’t been able to break the 1x/day barrier since I was in Jr. High. I’m a testosterone milkshake. And I’m having physical manifestations to prove it: I’m getting boners all the time. I haven’t felt this randy in years. I wonder If my voice is gonna change again?

God, it was embarrassing getting erections in jr. high. I remember watching the clock and hoping there was enough time for my hard-on to go away before the next passing period. Back then, I also wore a sweatshirt tied around my waist every day to hide the inevitable uprisings.

Maybe I should tie a sweatshirt around my waist at work to help me with my current “problem.”

I doubt that’s considered “business attire.”

There’s not really much consideration for “boner-hiding” in male business attire. I guess I could wear my tie really long to cover my…wait, no that would just direct everyone’s attention to my crotch. Sigh.

And while I’m on the subject, why is it so wrong to have an erection? Why is this natural occurrence so horribly embarrassing? I mean, I get hard-ons for no reason all the time. Every day. I hardly think that qualifies me as a sex offender.

Like last Wednesday, I’m driving back from lunch hour. My belly’s full, my car is warm inside from the sun, and …hey, looky there!…I’m engorged!

So a couple blocks later, I’m back at work. I’m sitting in the parking lot and It’s still there. What do I do? Try to hide it as I quickly dart to my cubicle, like a kid concealing stolen goods from a shopkeeper ? I would be scared the boss would step out from around a corner and demand, “You there! What have you got stashed there in your trousers!!?”

Hiding it makes it feel so shameful. And that doesn’t feel right. I’m not ashamed that I get erections. It happens. Just like people burp. Sure, its rude to burp loud and be obnoxious about it…but if you let out some bodily gases with a demure, “excuse me”, I think that is socially acceptable. It is certainly considered more acceptable behavior than walking around with an erection. And it’s not like I’m going around, rubbing it on people. I just have it. You wouldn’t judge someone for having a big pimple, would you? And yet men have even less control of REOs (Random Erection Occurrences)!!!

I say: next time one of us men gets an erection in a public place, we wear it proudly! Tell the world, “Yes! I am virile!” Do you think if enough of us did it, we could pull it off? I’m in. Anyone else?

(And we could use women’s support, too…maybe a word of encouragement or a casual compliment? )

3 thoughts on “Springtime in my Trousers”

  1. This post was like biting into a slab of watermelon and allowing all of the juices to run down my face, body, etc… It reminded me of a few days my guy friends would stay in with me on especially horny occasions and we’d go about masturbating when we felt the need, and we’d actually talk about how awkward going to class horny was…Wanting to jump a professor you usually have no interest in sexually…let alone another student.

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