My final list of New Year’s Goals!!

# Dress like a mime for visits to my girlfriend’s parents’ house. Answer every question with “I’m trapped in an invisible box.” gestures.
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# Finally finish my excrement sculpture.
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# Wear a helmet while driving and get a bumper sticker that says, “Airbags are for cheaters.”
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# Start wearing a cape. (But get my girlfriend to stop saying, “faster than a speeding bullet.”)
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# Change my voter registration to the “HugNation” party.
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# Instead of a wallet, carry my money in a burlap sack with a “$” on it like they have in movie robberies.
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# Try my hand at log rolling.
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# Petition insurance carriers to recognize the medicinal uses of pornography.
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# Shave off my eyebrows and draw them back on in a constantly “surprised” arch.
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# Whittle a spoon out of a larger wooden spoon.
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# Stand on a street corner with a “WILL WORK FOR BANDWIDTH” sign.
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# Streak the winter Olympics.
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# Explain to everyone who sees me streaking the concept of cold and “shrinkage.”
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# Work to make orange “Cheeto fingers” a vogue fashion trend in Paris
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# Fight that public indecency charges on “Freedom of Religion” grounds.
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# Embrace the healing benefits of urine drinking.

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