It was a day that throbbed with the ache of transition.
The occasion for the BBQ was a going away party for Adam & Katie.
Dear friends and camp mates were moving to Austin.
Until the party, I hadn’t really thought about their absence.
But I will really miss them. They are 2 of maybe 6 people who always attend my monthly brunch.
Adam was the passion and work force behind a huge portion of Bat Country this year. Sure, being in a different state doesn’t have to mean that won’t build things together…but it’s not the same.
As I chewed on the fake chicken breast I had burned on the grill, I started to process what all the transition really meant.
I looked over and saw another friend playing with a young child. I noticed how many of my friends had or were planning on having kids very soon.
Friends getting married changes things. Friends having kids changes things much much more.
Of course I am happy for them and am thrilled at the prospect of meeting their child. I can’t wait to see how they blossom as parents and share their love.
But I know our friendship will change. We’ll catch up while their kid takes a nap, or while they are driving to and from work.
Their minds will be consumed with challenges that I know nothing about.
Our love will not diminish, but the overlap of our lives will.
My feeling of loss is purely selfish, I know.
Meanwhile, this was the first event that my ex and I both attended. She looked great. Her dog was adorable. And lots more feelings of loss stirred up.
I know I’m where I am supposed to be.
Besides a bout of depression a few weeks ago, I have been feeling great…but seeing her sure made me sad.
I tear up as I write this.
Remembering how I felt long ago, when everything was good.
Remembering what it is like to have a partner – when everything is good.
I have no one but myself to blame for things shifting. I gravitate towards solitude.
And being by myself is normally a place of comfort for me.
But at the BBQ, it felt like so many things that I love were slipping away.
And I felt very alone.
Obviously, I know that there is only the Now.
And I have no idea what tomorrow will bring. Maybe I will move to a new city. Maybe I will start a new relationship. Maybe the future will look like something I can’t imagine.
I guess I need to embrace the memories, and enjoy the Now with everything I got.