Category Archives: funny

My final list of New Year's Goals!!

# Dress like a mime for visits to my girlfriend’s parents’ house. Answer every question with “I’m trapped in an invisible box.” gestures.
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# Finally finish my excrement sculpture.
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# Wear a helmet while driving and get a bumper sticker that says, “Airbags are for cheaters.”
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# Start wearing a cape. (But get my girlfriend to stop saying, “faster than a speeding bullet.”)
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# Change my voter registration to the “HugNation” party.
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# Instead of a wallet, carry my money in a burlap sack with a “$” on it like they have in movie robberies.
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# Try my hand at log rolling.
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# Petition insurance carriers to recognize the medicinal uses of pornography.
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# Shave off my eyebrows and draw them back on in a constantly “surprised” arch.
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# Whittle a spoon out of a larger wooden spoon.
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# Stand on a street corner with a “WILL WORK FOR BANDWIDTH” sign.
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# Streak the winter Olympics.
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# Explain to everyone who sees me streaking the concept of cold and “shrinkage.”
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# Work to make orange “Cheeto fingers” a vogue fashion trend in Paris
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# Fight that public indecency charges on “Freedom of Religion” grounds.
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# Embrace the healing benefits of urine drinking.

more New Year's goals

# Learn to determine remaining battery life with my tongue.
# Master the Lundy Hop.
# Floss.
# Force those punks to let me play their reindeer games
# Protest non-primary colors.
# Impregnate a reptile.
# Up my brie intake to 2 wheels/day.
# Read the fine print.
# Pick which side is my “good side.”
# Conquer my fear of cotton.
# Regain my tetherball Championship.
# Patent my spanking machine.
# Stop teasing gravity.
# Skip to work at least 1 day a week.
# Skip work at least 1 day a week.
# Debate artificial flavors and colors.
# Tackle adversity. Tie him up. Tar and feather him.
#Have my “Marry me, Brittany” tattoo covered up with a Celtic design or something.
# Stop blood doping for regional athletic competitions and weekend masturbation sessions.
# Ask Mom to stop calling me “Fucko.”
# Find a teeter-totter partner closer to my age (and weight).
# Buy my *own* blow-up doll.

New Year's Goals (a look back)

Goals for the New Year I made a few years ago:

  • Stop using the phrase, “stinky finger.”

  • Wean myself off Phonics (I’m hooked)

  • Convince my Dad that he’s gay.

  • Avoid Subway Sandwiches (Life is too short to eat a sub where the Mayo is applied with a squeeze-bottle)

  • Rip out Puff Daddy’s vocal cords and flay him mercilessly across the buttocks.

  • Figure out what’s causing that rash.

  • Limber-up enough to perform self-fellatio (If I achieve this, my blog will go on an indefinite hiatus)

  • Apologize to each member of the NFL for failing to take an interest in their sport.

  • Get all my friends to sign my cast. (break arm if necessary)

  • Get over my necrophilia hang-up.

  • Lobby to get “Y” the full vowel status it deserves.

  • Learn to tell the difference between a “normal” and an “unhealthy” discharge

  • Only wear fur coats that block harmful UV rays.

  • Read the articles in Playboy ( I hear they’re very good)

  • Boycott all Marijuana grown in Iraq.

  • Work to lift the taboo on the words, “felching” and “smegma”

  • Stop staring at my co-workers breasts while they talk.

  • Only listen to music that utilizes F sharp in a flattering way.